jawaban

and she said "why is it so hard for you to believe that you're loved?"

2012-02-12T00:09:00.004+08:00

kenapa tak kerja lagi?

kenapa gaji orang lain lagi banyak?

kenapa nak sambung belajar lagi?

kenapa orang lain tak buat macam ni?

kenapa nak belajar benda ni?

kenapa beli kereta murah?

kenapa tak pergi lagi?

kenapa itu kenapa ini?

kenapa tak nak faham aku dan jalan aku.

lensless

2012-02-07T12:27:00.001+08:00

rasa ditinggal yang tersengkang di tekak

swing swing from the tangles of

2012-01-12T10:59:00.004+08:00

Evey Hammond: Are you a Muslim?

Gordon Deitrich: No. I'm in television.

quoted from V for Vendetta (2006)

the bat and the bears

2012-01-06T10:54:00.003+08:00

"Et tu, Brute?"

quoted from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

rebond with andra

2011-12-23T13:28:00.002+08:00

but with caution.

fraud proud

2011-10-28T16:14:00.005+08:00

i don't want you to be proud me, flaunt me around like a parade. you belittled and chided me, you called me fat. you bad-mouthed my car and then insisted to ride in it. i don't want you to take pride in me. it's for someone else.

pic source.

spanking brand

2011-09-14T09:39:00.002+08:00

source

when i count my blessings, despite having a state-of-the-art calculator and a spanking brand new skill with Microsoft Excel, i have never been sure about you. you keep destroying me but keep taking credits of the wonderful things that i do.

the plan

2011-09-03T00:17:00.000+08:00

source

one of these days i'm going to ask you if you'd like to grow old with me

but

"We don't need to go that far

Let's hold on to where we are
If it's real we'll make it through

Cause all I need is you"

-the click five, all i need is you

rubbish bin swimming

2011-09-02T00:59:00.004+08:00

source

the person who is always raving stark mad about the rubbish bin swimming in succulent maggots is the same person who never makes an effort to take it out. it is also the same person who must advertise on a billboard that he has cleaned the house for one whole day when others have done so everyday, tidying his mess, mostly.

i am not going to be good to you anymore. you make me hurt you. ergo, i am blameless.

make love

2011-08-30T09:50:00.003+08:00

source

you have made your bed. you must sleep in it with the person you could live with. or at least make love last with.

as closes

2011-08-28T16:59:00.002+08:00

source

the door before you opens to opportunities, as well as closes. you need to remember that.

the contraband

2011-08-28T14:48:00.002+08:00

Jean Leon Gerome Ferris - Lincoln and the Contraband

that glorified fine line between good and bad, good and evil, is not so fine at all. not to mention that the bad, the don't, the forbidden, the apple of wisdom, the contraband all present a certain seductive charm that we get all enchanted by. we transgress, we step over the limit, we delight in the wrong.

why can't they make the good as attractive as the bad? why does the harvest of the good is to be reaped in the future?

things that lovers do

2011-08-24T09:22:00.004+08:00

across time, love is an overrated word. and it's too short to word what i feel about you. it doesn't encompass that warm smile and the cold stare, the pleasure and annoyances. i'll just borrow a phrase from Pratchett, it's 'considerable affection'. it doesn't flow over the brink of things that lovers do, it doesn't lack substance of things that lovers do. or don't do.

this considerable affection for you;

i hold you a bit tighter

think of you a little fonder

sleep with you a tad longer

than any, anyone else

not too much, not too stingy

because i have learned that too much of something is bad for my brain.

a perfect fit

2011-08-22T14:21:00.006+08:00

i used to fret about my broad, ungirly shoulders, especially when it comes to conventionally measured blouses and shirts;

until you rest your head on them and give it a solid, unspeakable meaning, a perfect fit of a missing piece, and a very good reason to stay as such.

picture taken from here.

not that four-letter word

2011-08-04T20:45:00.001+08:00

if anyone is to hurt me, it has to be you.

i have my reasons

2011-06-20T14:11:00.003+08:00

i love you because you are flawed

broken, dysfunctional, complicated.

and because you have loved me when i was a fat slob.

pinjam

2011-01-18T17:28:00.002+08:00

pinjam dulu, kekaseh
maka setiapnya gerak riakmu kusalin ke dalam kalimah2 mulus
langkah kakimu kulakar peta musafir
jauh pandangmu kubuat mata angin
bisik sendamu kususun melangit
pinjam sekejap, kekaseh
untuk rencah masa yang aku pergi
dan saki baki mimpi yang belum pulang ke pelukmu
maka diamkan, kekaseh
akan bimbang risaumu
aku pergi bukan lama
di garisan penghujungku ada engkau
maka aku bersegera.

el fin

2010-12-27T16:14:00.004+08:00

it's over
khalass
funtoosh
and i am ashamed because i wanted it.

knell

2010-12-05T22:08:00.002+08:00

genta perangku sudah melaung

sedang aku masih kebulur aman

kalau aku bersorok di balik pura-pura

apa masih bising gentanya menjerkah panggil?

horridays

2010-12-04T00:45:00.003+08:00

quiet is the sound

when your lips brush the nape of my neck

and i forget that the whole world is still alive

or the fact that i should not leave you.

gone

2010-11-23T14:15:00.002+08:00

beraniku sudah hilang

maka jangan diacah-acahkan aku dengan api.

schweigen

2010-10-25T22:00:00.007+08:00

he who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.

-elbert hubbard.

i’d like to love you like this

2010-10-21T12:35:00.000+08:00

Cotton candy in clouds in rainbows in summer
A thousand poems on exotic papers
Pink flamingoes by the thousand on the shore
Your voice in a rhapsody
Your name your lips on my lips
Until truth goes back to sleep
Until all lies confess to being lies
As deep as Hades and deeper
As high as Olympus and higher
Except that I know you don’t want too much
But since Atwood says that love is an awkward word
I shall hate you instead
After all, Palahniuk writes that it’s the same thing,
really
so let me let me hate you,
on weekends
or three times a week
on other days we could just go on our own
but let me.

belum tentu

2010-10-04T21:30:00.002+08:00

di telingaku cuma ada saki baki bicara semalam dengan engkau
bunyi2 suaramu di hujung deskripsi suasana
selang seli nafasmu di antara bising sekeliling
perkataan-perkataan yang tak terjamah
sedang aku belum puas menyimpan arkib akustik ini
pulang ini aku cuma mau diam dan tidur
cuma mau memegang telingaku dan bersenyap
supaya tidak akan hilang suaramu yang sekejap tadi
sebab esok belum tentu engkau masih mau
meminjamkan tenang dari suaramu untuk aku.

almost

2010-10-01T09:59:00.002+08:00

i'm currently 14723 km away from canada
not that it's significant
2 train stations away from my favourite jusco
2 hours away from my parents' house
10 ringgit toll fees to shah alam and kelana jaya
a planet apart from jupiter
an overnight flight to kangarooland
across the ocean to perhaps zimbabwe, oh my sense of direction sucks
and also one phone call away from you
but i know when i call you and you pick up
you already know what i'm going to say
before i run out of things to say
(but i just want to hear your voice).

optimus prime

2010-09-23T20:59:00.005+08:00

did i lose my love to someone better

and does she love you like i do

aku masih

2010-09-20T10:59:00.001+08:00

belum berhenti menangis
dari tadi matahari datang menggila sampai pulang ke tidur
dari bayangku sejengkal hingga langsung hilang
seratus rasa sudah singgah di tingkapku
amanku juga yang belum sampai-sampai
laut langit pun sudah berhenti tumpah
maka lihatkanlah, dunia, aku yang serpih
separuh nyawa mengesak sendu
maka ketahuilah, dunia
aku mahu bangun pula dan menjadi kuat
aku mahu berjalan pula, biarlah kalau pun bertongkat
mataku sudah letih, jantungku mahu nafas baru
dan tapi,
air mataku enggan diam terempang
dengan tidak adanya dia.

flotilla of ghosts

2010-09-12T09:40:00.002+08:00

i hate to admit that you have scarred my whole life
fuck it
the way you say things as if i were the one who ran apocalypse
the way your face twists as if you're the only one hurt and everybody else is happy
what else do you want me to do
i have neither courage to do the impossible
nor nothing else to give.

fitri

2010-09-10T22:25:00.004+08:00

hingar ramai satu alam
takbir di langit
baju baru ke rumah Kekasih
harum ketupat, ayam rendang, daging serunding
khilaf-khilaf yang minta dihalal

rasa itu terlupa datang pada aku
dan ini pada aku masih tanpa erti, masih bukan apa-apa
masih mati.

when you

2010-08-25T12:42:00.002+08:00

have returned and
i stop wondering where you have been
i will tuck you in bed
and wonder why i let you in.

perkataan

2010-08-18T12:05:00.001+08:00

perkataan-perkataanku hanya mau bercerita tentang engkau, kekaseh
semua ucapanku langsung berpasakkan engkau
tentang rasa-rasa yang datang dari sentuh kulitmu di pagiku
sunyi yang berselimut di letihku bila kau tidak ada
keras degilku yang lentur di sabarnya engkau

tentang menjadi separuh yang berkeronyok di serpih resahku
dan arifnya engkau memberi bentuk pada abstrak-abstrak kasarku.

ich seh du lachst

2010-08-07T11:26:00.006+08:00

p/s: dot. ko ckp aku da lame tak post pic. heheh.

in the ocassion

2010-07-17T11:26:00.000+08:00

that i love you
you need to remember that i am not conventionally sane.

if i forgive you

2010-07-17T11:22:00.002+08:00

i am still flawed
jagged edges screaming
i am still twisted
head over heels over life and death

but this is important
i forgive you
because in time,
i would be in need for you to forgive me
and what makes me so marginal is that,
kau maafkan sebelum aku meminta.

rescue

2010-07-05T20:59:00.005+08:00

i didn't realize this place was so full of you
until it's dusk now and the porch is darn large for my small car
the silence so alive it claws at my throat
the walls squeaking white without your pictures
the mantelpiece void of your trophies
your wardrobe stripped bare of all your colours, scent and touch
you said you'd drop by to take your clothes in today's laundry
i refuse to fold it so that when you come i could delay you from leaving again

i am still waiting

i don't dare to trash your cold tea in the fridge in case you arrive in 15 minutes
there's no one cooking in your kitchen and i don't have the courage to do so
lest i get it wrong when there's no more you to save it and me.

everything and this

2010-07-04T21:31:00.003+08:00

A B C D F G H iloveu J K M N P Q R S T W X Y Z

(but you're not worth the risk).

because

2010-06-25T23:44:00.002+08:00

1. i can still be alone when i am with you
2. you don't think i am weird
3. you respect me
4. you don't tell me to stop laughing
5. you don't take my pictures
6. you know what i am saying
7. you swear
8. you don't like cheese cake
9. you laugh
10. you don't smell like a girl.

man. haul ass. minggu depan exam oi. haha. nice ass, btw.

i love you because

2010-05-21T09:26:00.001+08:00

of the way you say my name when you're at the other far end of the corridor,
there's no sound
just your lips moving through the shape of my name, especially at the letter 'f'
and the way you smile when you say it.

long time coming

2010-05-18T13:50:00.004+08:00

baby in your shadow i can shine.

i would like

2010-05-10T16:33:00.001+08:00

to go one day
with you.

air pocket

2010-04-26T21:14:00.002+08:00

let's not get mad
let me say this
i only have one you
before you storm off this room
and leave me sleepless for days

let me in, let me get you
here take my hand
i hope this is enough
i hope i am enough
because if you need me to be perfect
this is just not me

what if we're almost there
but you're giving up now
what if we're already there
and you're leaving me now
what if this is just another air pocket
and i'm the pilot asking you to cool down

ah

2010-04-21T11:08:00.002+08:00

not anymore
i had lately seen the bigger picture
it's very big it does not fit your incompetency.

i am going to tell the whole darn world

2010-04-16T17:32:00.001+08:00

i bloody want you back
and i donotdonotdonot find this amusing.

and perhaps

2010-04-14T16:10:00.001+08:00

u are all i ever wanted.

i could name

2010-04-13T10:12:00.000+08:00

all the reasons to why i like you
but why i love you
beats me.

it's not me it's you.

saya bukan

2010-03-29T12:49:00.001+08:00

ahli rumah berani
maka jangan takutkan saya dengan janji
tak ada siapa hidup bernyawa janji
tak boleh ke kita dua orang take one day at a time?

i don't want to go there without you
but if you only have promises
i'd rather go alone.

it's actually nice

2010-03-25T15:49:00.001+08:00

when you think about it-
to love
and just be
but i don't deal well with changes
and you think i know not what you do
it's actually so clear
if you read what you don't write to me
in the replies that you never send
in the ways you have changed
and thought i am none the wiser
how do you think i should deal with non-truths
everytime i hear you speak
i start running from possible lies
how do i deal with what you've done
you rip my heart out and run all over it in cleats
those things that i did because i thought you were right
things you did not let me do but you keep it for yourself
how do i look at you and not think of all these
order is such a privilege, i don't get it everyday
and now you have turned hell upside down and put me right in the middle of the inferno
and still,
you only watch me burn.

(6) malaikat-malaikatku

2010-03-22T10:29:00.002+08:00

mengajak pulang

kalau saja mereka mengerti
apa payahnya untuk bernafas di situ
pening mencari betul
siapa bohong, siapa jujur
kenapa aku yang ditendang ke hujung sana sini
dimainkan cerita yang sudah terlalu lapuk
kalau aku sudah dikoyak tipu tetuan tempat itu
tak mustahil satu dunia esok akan meratah aku hidup-hidup

apa faham, malaikat-malaikat?
apa boleh aku diberi ruang menyembuh sihat?
apa ada tempat untuk aku lari lagi?

untuk selagi

2010-03-22T10:27:00.000+08:00

yang kau buat aku merayu
jangan bunuh aku.

only supposed

2010-03-18T14:58:00.001+08:00

you are
to respect
pray for
be good to
the person whose name is after yours
the person who gave birth to you

no one,
no one said about trusting.

fait accompli

2010-03-12T08:56:00.003+08:00

pretending someone else can come and save me from myself

kuku

2010-03-05T11:36:00.002+08:00

aku harap kuku-kukumu kukuh, kekaseh
kalau-kalau perlu mengoyak tabir-tabir berjuta
dan menarik aku keluar dari kusut

aku sudah terbiasa dimamah gila
sampai aku hilang pasti
aman itu harus bagaimana

sepertimana bila sudah lali bernafas
harus lemas menjadi terlalu asing.

tidak patut-patut

2010-02-22T09:10:00.004+08:00

mari bercerita tentang yang tidak patut-patut
seperti orang yang salam dan cium tangan boifren lepas jumpa
patut ke kau letak boifren kau sama tempat dengan mak bapak kau?

kau izinkan dia pegang kau sana sini
tudung semua dah melayang,
untung betul boifren kau,
semua dah dapat;
yela, kan dah janji nak kahwin kan
dan masa tu kau fikir, kalau kau tak kahwin dengan dia ni
kau tak akan kahwin langsung

mana kau tau kalau esok dia clash dengan kau sebab ada perempuan lain
or sebab kau gemok
or sebab macam-macam?

aku nak cakap padan muka,
tapi,
well,
tapi tak gunalah kalau kau tak amik pengajaran jugak,
tak patutlah,
aku harap kau cukup pandai untuk hormat diri sendiri
macam mana orang nak hormat kau kalau kau tak mula dulu?

waras

2010-02-21T11:24:00.003+08:00

jangan lepaskan warasku di pegangmu
genggam kemas-kemas, kunci pasungkan mati-mati
warasku bila di tanganku
menjadi buruk
manjadi hantu
rosak musnah aku kerjakan.

(5) malaikat-malaikatku

2010-02-09T14:52:00.003+08:00

hari ini naik ke langit
aku disuruh tinggal membilang bintang
disuruh bermain dengan semut
maka marahlah aku ditinggal pergi.

malaikat-malaikatku pulang waktu biduk mendaki kutub kayangan
'nah ini baju kau, tukang jahit syurga buatkan
pelangi warna, jernih matahari
kelip bintang di kelam malam
tengok sini,
baju kau ada bunga bulan, berlapik awan
sutera badai dari hujung dunia
ini baju baru
buat bertemu hari esok.'

siapa tak suka dapat baju baru, kan? =)

take

2010-02-08T09:34:00.000+08:00

my hand and hold it behind your back
as if we're lovers in secret
baby, which we are.

tentang saya

2010-02-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

saya bukan orang baik2 sebab
______ saya cakap saya berlagak
tak kerja lagi dah pakai kereta
kalaulah ______ saya tahu berapa banyak kerja saya tak dapat buat masa saya tak ada kereta dulu
kalaulah ______ saya tahu saya guna kereta kecik dan lekeh saya pergi tengok adik2 saya
bawak adik2 saya jalan2
_______ saya tak faham apa2 pun
duit belajar pun saya dapat skolership
sekarang saya sambung masters
saya kerja part-time
malas nak mintak2, saya bukanlah penting sangat
kalau saya penting, kenapa _______ saya dah tak pernah call saya tapi boleh mesej lama2 dengan orang lain?

saya bukan orang baik2
________ saya cakap saya tak hormat dia
kalaulah _______ saya tahu apa yang saya pernah buat untuk dia
kalaulah _______ saya tahu macam mana orang lain sayangkan saya
saya ni tak pernah cukup baik
padahal result saya bagus2
saya pakai tudung
cari duit sendiri
saya tak tahu mana jahatnya saya

saya tak kisahlah _____ saya cakap saya jahat
kalau saya betul2 jahat
sekarang saya tak akan buat apa2 lagi untuk ______ saya
sebab saya pernah jadi yang terbaik
dan ______ saya still treat saya badly.
i am letting you go. i will not believe anything from you anymore, say all you want.

maka

2010-02-04T10:28:00.006+08:00

berselekehlah aku
untuk setiap kalinya yang aku terwujud tanpa dia

koyak rabak kulitku di segenap ruangnya aku terlontar berjauh dengan dia

lalu tulilah lihatku

butalah dengarku

bisulah sentuhku
dan degupku bersenyap

nyawaku menghujung.

bertanya

2010-01-28T16:50:00.004+08:00

bertanyalah darah jantungku
kalau masih berjalan
dari kau mengagak aku hidup
sedang aku membusuk di baringku

bertanyalah warasku tegakkah bersujud
sedang gilaku menghimpit seksa
dan kau enak menghambat seronok

kenapa semalam aku kau timang
tapi hari ini kau baru nampak hitamku
baru kau keji
sedang hitam itu sudah lama berdiri.

the morning after 'i do', what if you don't like whom you are married to?

mana ada

2010-01-27T13:05:00.003+08:00

mana ada
hidup berdua berabad lama
jangan tipu aku begini

mana ada
tak benci silap secuit
makan bersuap sampai ke tua
jangan bohong aku begini.

u

2010-01-19T21:31:00.003+08:00

something that i keep

exclusive smell on my skin all the way to tomorrow
warm whispers on my ears, secrets that only i know
distant touch, bleeding hearts, cropped hair on the floor
silent noise deafening even after you stop talking
meandering through veins, air and lies
rules, sulks, confetti in blood
things that you sing for me, to me, with me
things unspoken, things against the world
something that i keep
something about you.

a lifetime

2010-01-18T10:29:00.000+08:00

borrowing fathers

denting bisu

2010-01-14T16:51:00.004+08:00

denting bisu
pelarianku dari waras
semua penat terkemam di lidah tak termuntah nyata
mendengar rumit di hujung bangkitku
menonton bohong di kering baikmu
disuap mentah-mentah logik songsangmu
hilang mampuku menyebut namamu
surut peduliku dibuangmu
habis beraniku berdepan denganmu
kering akalku mengiyakanmu
pun kau masih sesat di penjuru hingar
serak pekikku melaung jalan untuk kau pulang
dan semua ini yang kuberikan tak bercukup
tak secantik lekamu di dawai dosa
aku maha berhenti di sini
aku takkan panggil kau pulang lagi
jangan pernah pulang lagi
yang tak pernah kau mahu
biarlah begini
kupegang ruang sebesar nyawa ini yang kau pernah duduk
aku takkan mempeduli.

di saat yang aku

2010-01-03T13:50:00.006+08:00

tidak lagi ada kata-kata bagus untuk mencipta tenteram dalam jiwa engkau

ambil bahu aku untuk kau raungkan di atasnya sampai kau aman

dan kemudian kita boleh pergi makan aiskrim-

kerana aku tidak berkudrat membiar kau penat seorang.

-for nh.

dan aku masih cemburu

2009-12-23T15:27:00.002+08:00

bila kau kisahkan tentang raja dan ratumu
sedang di menaraku beribut berapi dan aku menyusut mendebu
rajaku ada, cuma pada nama, dan apa dihukumnya aku
ratuku ada, cuma bahagia bukan sepanjang jalan
aku juga ada, yang pergi jauh melari
kerana kuat sudah mula tiada dan hatiku sudah tinggal menyerpih

apa molek kupinjam raja ratumu?
buat teduh ribut degupku
yang masih cemburu.

the way

2009-12-19T10:11:00.001+08:00

you close your eyes before we kiss
and your after-shave lingers on my neck.

(4) malaikat-malaikatku

2009-12-17T22:35:00.003+08:00

semua menepi mengelak menjauh
bila aku mau ke situ
jangan pergi, hey!
bilang malaikat2ku,mula berang
aku melangkah setapak lagi
menjejak hilang, mengikut kelam
berdiri sangat dekat
dengan songsang yang kalut
hujan batu yang sudah mula menyakitkan
malaikat2ku berdiri memeluk tubuh, simpan sayap
menggeleng kepala enggan ikut
dan di kejauhan gurun jerlus itu
kau berjalan mengharung payah
makin dekat, kau menyapa
menjemput aku serta
di tempat malaikat2ku enggan pergi
kau sudah sedia pulang.

langkah tak akan berbuka

2009-12-17T22:28:00.000+08:00

belum mau pergi walau senafas degup pun

bulan jatuh dan matahari datang

separuh dunia mengejek ketawa

separuh lagi menggeleng sesal

guruh garang mendesak

hujan pelangi menggila di hujung langit

saya mau dengar suara Awak,

dan Awak ada depan saya, dengan saya, untuk saya

laparlah, haus terkedip-kedip

melihat dalam gelap

habis suara bercakap

habis darah bernyawa

hanyut mendebu pepasir ribu

kunang-kunang memujuk memanggil seru

Kekaseh saya tak akan mula jalan jauh ini

Kekaseh selagi tangan saya belum sampai ke genggam Awak.

permaidani

2009-12-01T14:50:00.008+08:00

p/s: rugi la kalau ko takde adik. haha. takde sape tiup belon kaseh sayang untuk ko compose pic.

questions of science do not speak as loud as my heart

2009-11-30T18:03:00.004+08:00

(3) malaikat-malaikatku

2009-11-26T09:56:00.004+08:00

risau
aku sudah jauh tersasar jalan
dan hatiku tertinggal di negeri resah
sedang jantungku memohon pinjam waktu-waktu yang bukan milikku
biarkan aku sebentar,wahai
soemtimes there are mistakes that i have, i have to make.

untuk

2009-11-19T18:15:00.002+08:00

setiap hari yang bersenja di seluruh penjelasan
dan semua hari yang kau belum sampai
kekaseh aku cuma mau bermimpi
engkau

lekas pulang
aku sudah habis langit gemawan
aku tak mau jatuh selain ke tangan di hujung lenganmu.

sekali dua kali

2009-11-18T12:09:00.003+08:00

dan sesekali yang mau kuingat
saban lekuk tiap runcing iras mukanya
tidak ada, foto semua habis ke api
atau bila mau kupakai elok baju hadiahnya
membalut inci lenganku
tidak ada, kujual semua untuk 25ringgit
buku, movie, semua darinya
kubuang campak

kesal bukan laukku.

bila aku II

2009-11-16T14:01:00.001+08:00

mau mati untuk mula semula
mau.mati.mula.semula
mau.

bila aku

2009-11-12T22:00:00.003+08:00

1. nampak nama aku kat tempat paling atas dalam blog roll syaza
2. browse external hard disk dan senyum sorang2 tengok gambar budak aku suka (glasses, green t-shirt, please realize this. hehe)
3. dan aku tak nak delete gambar kau, budak t-shirt hijau pakai glasses
4. beli karipap sardin 3 bijik untuk yana
5. bangun pukul 7 di rumah yana, turun bawah untuk bergelak ketawa sama aunty salmah
6. beli buku 7,8 bijik dgn harga cuma 100 kat bookxcess
7. makan dengan adik2
100. pilih baju kat times square.

bila semua little things mendegup nafasku.

kedua kali dan seterusnya

2009-11-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

kulawat lagi taman bermain
cuma kali ini tanpa tanganmu
cuma kali ini musimnya salji

dan di setiapnya yang aku berperang mencari betul
rasakan peduli dibuang

mari kita balik.

lewat

2009-11-05T22:21:00.002+08:00

entri2 kamu
entri2 buat kamu
yang tersisa di hujung ingat

rasa2 yang sudah berlalu
dan berdamai

tapi kalau tidak aku dilepas pergi
ruang2 ini takkan jadi seluas ini

ini penghargaan
untuk kamu.

ode to fathers

2009-11-03T12:17:00.006+08:00

i hate you for what you say

those hateful, hurtful words you hurl at me

i hate you for walling yourself up

for letting me misunderstand

i hate you for using me to get things done for you

when you use your sweetest smile and your sugar-coated words
words that i wouldn't even dream of
words that you never intended for me
words that you say to someone else that you shouldn't have
i hate you when you hide and i have to find you
i end up getting lost in the way, hurt and cold, my map all torn up
i hate you when you walk in through the door and i realize that i know you no longer
i wonder who might this stranger be, i should be careful of what i say lest you get mad again
i tread on glasses and eggshells, i stand beside the fire waiting to get burnt while you fuel it up
i hate you when you say you're ready to stay at the old folks home
like you're expecting to be dumped, to be ditched
i hate you when you don't know that
i
do
love
you
enough
to look after you, even with all these hurt
because you have willingly placed your name at the end of mine
carried me on your back and bought me things
kissed me goodnight and called me princess
because you're the only one with that 'f' word
and you should know this, stop being this stranger.

"the fight for you is all i've ever known, so come home"- one republic ft. sara bareilles.

i wanted to be Adam

2009-10-29T21:05:00.001+08:00

who could name things at sheer whim
who was the first to inaugurate such gift
i wanted to be Adam so i could name this pain
so this agony could be dispelled at whim
could be called away and leave me be
while this nameless pain reigns on
here, even angels fear to go
and my wretched little heart,
i shall seek shelter for
thy shall not win.

don't you dare

2009-10-28T17:09:00.002+08:00

dah lama tak dating sama andra. dah tak expert :(

nope, no way, nuh-uh

2009-10-28T10:10:00.001+08:00

we never loved each other
we just loved the idea of us.

no hard feelings :)

surrogates

2009-10-22T13:29:00.003+08:00

siapa cakap famili is only of blood ties?
:)

keterlupaan

2009-10-21T21:47:00.002+08:00

panjang ini
meragut warasku
terlempar aman di resah
dan putusnya ingatku
jalanku jadi susah
bintang petunjukku sembunyi di kelam tuan malam
pasir2 yang meluas di jejakku
mata angin yang berlari2
cuba kau datang sekarang
terbangkan aku ke rumah terang.

hear me

2009-10-21T21:31:00.001+08:00

laugh now
when you have your little girlfriend
and all i have is
the lord of the skies.

seperti apabila

2009-10-18T11:56:00.002+08:00

aku berkejaran
membilang serbuk nafas menggesa di pembaringan
minum seperti pelangi.

ghosts

2009-10-16T21:21:00.003+08:00

kadang2 all that i simply want to do
is talk and talk
to all the ghosts of friendships past
dan tidak upayanya aku nak reply message2 baru
atau memberitahu yang i have got over them school friends
namanya perasaan begitu bukan benci
cuma aku perlu membuang sejumlah orang
selfish mungkin, tapi aku perlu berjalan terus
dan memilih untuk tidak ingat zaman hingus
kelakar sebenarnya
mesin masa yang tak ada button reverse
tapi still playing those old blue-lit whirl of yesterdays queuing up in my head like movies without sounds
sebab aku dah lupakan apa yang kau cakap
aku cuma menonton apa yang kita lakukan dan aku sendiri tak pasti kalau itu memori yang betul
memang malas nak reply mesej2 baru kau, dan panggilan telefon yang aku biar membisu sendiri
sebab kau macam masih stuck dengan diri aku 10 tahun lepas
yang comot dan boring, dan kau yang mushy dan penyayang
in a way aku tak mau include kau dalam hidup aku sekarang
aku tak mau ada sikit pun kau di sini
dan aku tak perlukan sebab untuk kau, untuk apa2 pun
if it makes me feel good, i will do it
you mean nothing to me.

that speech

2009-10-12T21:23:00.007+08:00

First of all, I am immensely grateful to Allah for this opportunity to stand here on such a memorable day. May Allah bless us always, InsyaAllah.

I would also like to dedicate my heartiest congratulations to each and every one of my fellow graduates. For our convocation, we should know that at least one person is extremely proud of us and that I believe, is priceless. To all parents gathered here today, I must say that you are such remarkable persons for having raised such successful people.

Ladies and gentlemen, the scroll in our hands is a trademark of our success. After all these years of blood, sweat and tears, we are finally here. I remember my firsts in IIUM, the first time finally finding a class after hours of getting lost, getting the first results, the first dean’s list certificate, calling my parents to come get me because my stuff was way too many but finally, you and I, we have made it. So what’s next, after we exit this glorious hall, after we return our robes and finally leave the gates of IIUM for perhaps the very last time, where do we go, for success after all, is such a long winding road of journey, never a destination. This brings us to the dynamic roles of IIUM graduates in realizing the IIUM vision and mission in facing global challenges.

Before I proceed to our dynamic roles, let me reintroduce the mission and vision of the university. The mission includes integration, Islamization, internationalization and comprehensive excellence. For the vision, inspired by the worldview of tawhid and the Islamic philosophy of the unity of knowledge as well as its concept of holistic education, the university aims at becoming a leading international centre of educational excellence which seeks to restore the dynamic and progressive role of the Muslim ummah in all branches of knowledge for the benefit of all mankind.

Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, so where do we fit in this philosophy? We are all different people, with our own set of goals and aspirations, our quirks and whims. But whether we realize it or not, our years here have shaped us in many better ways and taught us things we could not find somewhere else. Our years here and what we have become of it are what we are presenting to the world, to the Muslim ummah, for betterment and improvement. The job, the role that we play today evolves every single second. Tomorrow, a teacher would be a principal, a surgery nurse will perform an outstanding cardiac surgery, children become parents and all sorts of other things. And because we are IIUM graduates, it will always show in what we do, no matter what role we play, no matter what position we hold no matter where.

And endowed with both revealed and worldly knowledge, I believe that IIUM graduates do have what it takes to become world leaders. I would say that in IIUM we are very lucky to have gained not only the knowledge for this world but also for the next world. We not only learn the sciences of men, we are also taught who our God is. We read not only books of renowned scholars, from Freud, Al-attas to Shakespeare, we are also familiar with the glorious Quran. An IIUM graduate would be trusted to distinguish between good and bad, always upholding Islam and his/her roots. Because we have both, we are already one step ahead of everyone else who has not been blessed with such luxury.

Because of that, brothers and sisters, we should look forward to making changes for the world, and the Muslim ummah. I dare to believe that a lot of people are looking forward to Islamic economic system, more Islamic schools and states, the abolishment of wars and so on. Our lecturers and parents have taught us well. Now, it is our job to practice what we have been taught and make the world a better place to live. As the old Arabic saying goes [al-‘ilmu bi la ‘amalin kasysyajari bilath-thimar], so it goes with us, if we do not put our knowledge into practice, then we are of no use at all.

I would like to seek permission from the Honourable Rector to continue my speech in Arabic. [Arabic text]

Thus, this is how we can play our roles in realizing the university’s vision and mission, of knowledge encompassing this world and the hereafter. I would like to invite you to the lines of the song that we sang back in the matriculation centre, the line that goes ‘we are the torch-bearers of the ummah’. At the end of the day, as we leave this garden of knowledge and virtue, graduating from IIUM does not mean that we stop being the torch-bearers of the ummah. I believe that we carry this flame, this torch for all our lives, for more days to come, not merely as the graduates of this university but also as the khalifah of Allah, for we are the best of all creations, as mentioned in a Quranic verse in Chapter 95 [laqad khalaqnalinsana fi ahsani taqwim].

Ladies and gentlemen, before I end my speech, I would like to fill this moment with a little note of appreciation to a number of people without whom I would not have reached this far. To my lecturers, you have taught me well, thank you for such an insightful learning experience. To all staff of IIUM, thank you for having me and my friends all this while. To my friends, you know who you are, thanks for believing in me.

I would like to seek permission from the Honourable Rector to recite some pantun in Malay, dedicated to these people to whom I am indebted.

Di sana padi di sini padi,

Padi yang mana hendak digalas,

Di sana budi di sini budi,

Budi yang mana hendak dibalas.

Padi yang mana hendak digalas,

Beras ada dari pengkalan,

Budi yang mana hendak dibalas,

Kepada Allah saya serahkan.

And last but not least, my most special thanks go to my mom, Fazilah Dahman, who taught me to love, my dad, Aziz Daud who showed me the stars and my sisters, Khalidah and Hanis whose hearts I carry with me. This award is for the four of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I wish everyone here all the best and I hope that Allah is always with us. With that, I end my say, thank you. Wassalam.

p/s: the arabic part is really beautiful, something about scholars are like the stars in the sky, guiding the dark universe. ustaz shamsuddin penned it for me.

panggil

2009-10-09T17:53:00.002+08:00

aku pulang
sebelum aku terlalu jauh
panggil aku pulang sebelum semua ini menyusut mati
dan jantungku lupa menyanyi
aku sedang sembunyi di balik bohong
aku pasang telinga mungkin2
kau mau menyeru

sedikit ini untuk kuharap
ketiadaan apa pun
mungkin2 ada sisa

jalanku memanggil.

because

2009-10-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

i loved you because you smelled lovely, really
your hugo boss lingered on my skin
until the end of the day
when someone brought out the moon to hang in the sky
you smelled of dreams and i-love-you's
sugar-coated happily-never-afters
heads in clouds, it was hard to fall
i believed i could fly
and i forgot that things rot
like stale bread and cold coffee
left on the sink the morning after
u rot, too.

peninggalan

2009-10-03T15:20:00.002+08:00

jangan lupa saya, kekaseh
waktu awak kutip pelangi di tepi senja
awak tau saya tak gemar menunggu-nunggu.
mari kita balik
sebelum tuan pelangi datang bertunggang garuda
dan membuang langit ini.

and he said

2009-10-03T15:17:00.004+08:00

love is not all pretty and unicorn
well i don't want pretty and unicorn
i just want to go to sleep with and wake up to
that better half of me

who is on the way
and should be here by now
except that i am still running.

a round of applause for dot, who spreads his cheese with a hotdog-handled little cutlery piece :)

rumah jatuh

2009-09-24T20:44:00.002+08:00

aku selalu mau bercerita
rumah itu is crumbling to pieces
tapi perlu begitu banyak diambil kira
siapa yang gila
perlu menjaga air muka
we concoct lies, shamelessly
hingga aku malu berdepan dengan dunia
kalau kau malu kerumitan begini
kenapa tak malu bertingkah kayu tiga
kutanya tuan langit
bagaimana kau boleh benarkan ini terjadi
dan tapi maha bijaksana pasti lebih tau
pasti lebih hebat
pasti dengar resah kulemas dengan bohong begini
pasti akan datang hari mengira
zalim kau berbutang maki
hari aku akan duduk di tepi bertepuk tangan
dan berkata,
"you always said you were right."

pilihan

2009-09-24T20:22:00.003+08:00

entah bila pernah ada mula
yang kutanya pada bulan
kulambung duit syiling
antara kepala dan ekor
ribuan hari menilik di tingkap
kucabut kelopak2 segala
menimbang tara, memilih rasa
bertanya resah, bertanya indah
kekaseh aku tidak pernah mau matahari
atau bintang buat butang bajuku
aku tak mau berwarna pelangi
aku tak perlu selangit istana
aku cuma mau kau memataharikanku
untuk rumah aku sejuk beku berdinding dingin
apa adalah aku
meminta begini
cuma mau merasa bernyawa.

tuang

2009-09-16T11:19:00.003+08:00

tidak ada apa-apanya aku

kosong hening terowong

tuang apa adanya kamu

kejapkan di dasar jauh tak bertapak

terus tuang

penuh separuh

bolong setengah

tuang lagi, sayang

haus aku memijak nyawa

nan kuhirup degup diberi

tuang sampai penuh

sampai melimpah

dan aku mula menjadi.

berpelangi

2009-09-01T11:31:00.001+08:00

siapa kata pelangi cuma 7 beradik?

tipu.

sebab kamu,
ada 7 juta warna nyawa aku.

:)

pagi

2009-08-27T13:21:00.001+08:00

selamat pagi, pagi
matahari kamu dalam balang jem aku
kokok ayam kamu bisu di reban
embun bulat kamu kering dibakar
masih mau bangun?

aku tak puas hati.

(2) malaikat-malaikatku

2009-08-26T11:10:00.003+08:00

hari ini di lapang sasar semuanya
beratur soldadu siap perisai
yang bersenapang
yang dengan busur anak panah
tekun menembak orang2 kertas di hujung garisan

mimpi apa berlatih perang
alamat apa mau menembak

dan kau harus lihat betapa tepat malaikat2ku menembak
bikin takut bermusuh gaduh

hey, kita nak pergi memburu rusa?
kulaung kuat2
lewat peluru kapur dan angin laju anak panah ditembak

kau akan turun ke dunia esok
aku2 akan menjagamu dari atas
jangan kau bimbang
jalan terus.

minta simpan

2009-08-25T12:12:00.002+08:00

minta simpan, tuhan
minta jangan diambil balik
minta ini tinggal diam sama aku
sebab kau sudah gembirakan bunda
sebab kau sudah hadiahkan pada ayah.

petak

2009-08-18T21:53:00.004+08:00

masih tertinggal aku
di negeri jauh
sedang orang lain sudah sampai di ruang elok
sudah bersedia pun ke tempat baru lagi
aku tetap di petak bermula

renggut hati aku keluarkan mau untuk berpindah ini
mungkin patut lebih baik

jangan terlupa aku, tuhan.

butir

2009-08-12T10:17:00.002+08:00

dan kucari butir bangga dalam laut pasir rungutmu
apa pernah bererti payah ini, kejar ini
apa pernah berbayar maumu, impimu
atau aku bernama kecewa.